The Golfer

Style Issue 2018

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I am telling this story to the public just as I told it in the grand jury room; the district attorney having given me a carbon copy of my sworn testimony. The case of Doc T or Green Q: Professor Waddems, when did you first notice that Dr. Green seemed to harbor animosity toward you? A: It was when we got to the second hole. Q: Professor, you may go ahead and tell the jury about it in your own words. A: Yes, sir. The situation was this: my third shot lay in the sand in the shallow bunker—an easy pitch with a niblick to within a foot or two of the pin, for anyone who understands the theory of niblick play as well as I do. I had the hole in five, practically. "Professor," said Doc Green, with whom I was playing— Q: This was Dr. James T. Green, the eminent surgeon, was it not? A: Yes, sir. Dr. Green, with whom I was playing, remarked, "You are all wrong about f reud. Psychoanalysis is the greatest discovery of the age." " n onsense! n onsense! n onsense!" I replied. "Don't be a fool, Doc! I'll show you where f reud is all wrong, in a minute." a nd I lifted the ball with an explosion shot to a spot eighteen inches from the pin, and holed out with an easy putt. " f ive," I said and marked it on my card. "You mean eight," said Doc Green. "Three into the bunker, four onto the green, and one putt— five," I said. "You took four strokes in the bunker, Professor," he said. " e very time you said ' n onsense' you made a swipe at the ball with your niblick." "Great Godfrey," I said, "you don't mean to say you are going to count those gestures I made to illustrate my argument as golf strokes? Just mere gestures! a nd you know very well I have never delivered a lecture without gestures like that!" "You moved your ball an inch or two with your club at every gesture," he said. Q: h ad you really done so, Professor? r emember, you are on oath. The Rivercliff Killing Or why Professor Waddems never broke 100 by Don Marquis C l a s s i c p r o s e

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